Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
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“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
And that about sums it up.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb