Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
You Might Also Like
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.