Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
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Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling