Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
You Might Also Like
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.