*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
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Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM