[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
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During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano