The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
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[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries