I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
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“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Mood.. 😂
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.