*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
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Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
💁🏻♂️
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.