*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
You Might Also Like
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.