*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
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Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.