Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
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What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
i want to work in this restaurant
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*