*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
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It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat