-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
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Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Why is this me 😫
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Dietest Coke
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Is this you?
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.