[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
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HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
I want this so bad
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.