*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
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waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.