driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
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stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
be careful
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
im 7 sauces long
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily