@BonaFideIntent: Watching a Kristin Stewart movie. She's being CHASED by ppl who want her DEAD. The CHEESE STICK I'm holding has a more frightened expression
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@DukEB51: My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
@Steelers1972: Hey Verizon, here's an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
@stephenjmolloy: Barber: "How would you like your hair cut, sir?" Me: "With scissors." Barber: "Very good, sir." *puts samurai sword down*