Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
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My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Self-cleaning conscience
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Autocarrot sucks!
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry