[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
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{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on