Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
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Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Me if I was a dog
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
May never get over this
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
23. the denim jacket