Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
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Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
this is uni