Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
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Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.