*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
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Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen