Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
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Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
I just love that new Pope smell.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.