@NinjaSweatpants: Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
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@Mikecanrant: The reason I like Twitter is because the ladies on here LIKE being followed. Unlike like little miss restraining order down the street.
@DaddyJew: Interviewer: how do you explain the long gap in your resumé? Me: I fell asleep with my face on the spacebar
@HoneyWooWoo: *at party* Guy: Want to dance? Me: I'm sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
@Book_Krazy: 9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes? Me: Because they're ballet dancers 9: Why didn't they just get taller girls?