[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
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My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.