[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
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N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”