*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
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I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
If looks could kill
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.