I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
You Might Also Like
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.