My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
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Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Isn’t
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!