“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
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Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.