*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
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I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
me hitting on a model
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job