*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
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All of my best ideas involve jail time.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Software Development ⛵️
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.