[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
You Might Also Like
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
This 4th of July, please remember…
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.