[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
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Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Oh, I bet you would be
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs