Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
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It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
i choose….tongue
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”