Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
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me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.