Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
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me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Did my cat write this
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
They also CAN sing✌️
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage