Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
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CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Best mom ever 😂
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…