[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
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Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*