[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
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If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.