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JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.