*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
You Might Also Like
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done