The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
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Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
What the hell happened here.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.