[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
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haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance