“no gods no masters” = leo
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I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.