[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
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robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
My dating profile:
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough