Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
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I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying