[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
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I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
When your man makes a valid point
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Good morning, Twitter x
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.