[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
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[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better