*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
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Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
asked my bf how work was today
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.