My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
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I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Seas the day!!!!
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.